Fausterella

Good morning, American religious right, how are you today? Still doing the abortion-hating, homosexuality-shunning, tax-cuts-for-the-rich thing? OK then.

So I’ve noticed that you’re quite keen on the evangelising to people, and I thought I’d offer some entirely unsolicited advice on your techniques. Or, at least, a pointer to a couple of approaches I think you might need to work on. You’re not the only group of people to make these two mistakes, obviously, but some of you do do it quite a lot.

Number 1. Assuming that nobody has ever heard your argument before.

This approach is patented by Jack Chick, the hateful king of evangelical comics. Here is how a typical comic goes, in brief and mildly exaggerated summary:

- Evil Godless Person does evil godless things.
- Good Fundamentalist tells them: “JESUS WILL SAVE YOU!”
- Evil Godless Person exclaims: “REALLY? I HAVE NEVER HEARD ABOUT THIS BEFORE DESPITE IT BEING THE PRIMARY RELIGION OF MY COUNTRY! SAVE ME, JESUS!”
- Evil Godless Person becomes Good Fundamentalist Replica and all is well.

(I’m only exaggerating slightly. See here, for example.)

Now, I think that in a country such as America, and indeed through most of the world, it’s dangerous to rely on the element of surprise when trying to turn people Christian. You see, most people have already heard about Jesus. Really. They probably know about the crucifixion, and the resurrection, and the other basics. If you present this story as a novelty, you are unlikely to get the response you want. The Chick comics are in essence wish-fulfilment. Sorry.

Number 2. (In a 180 degree reversal of number 1): Assuming that everyone is a fundamentalist Christian.

I don’t think you can look at homosexuality and what is taking place without examining the spiritual dynamics here. This is essentially man shaking his fist in the face of God and saying I don’t need you, that we will do it our way.

The above is just one of many quotes which assume that the people listening to you are basically on your side, and not, for example, thinking “Actually, I don’t need God! I will do it my way! Cool!”

Maybe this isn’t a mistake. Maybe you are just talking to other people who either agree with you or think they should, like the Demonbuster website (I presume. Well, it’s hard to imagine an atheist believing they need to cleanse their house of demons through the removal of paisley patterned items.)  If so, fine. Not technically evangelising, but ok.

If, however, you wish to convert agnostics/atheists, be aware that threatening us with God’s wrath is not a great place to start. Particularly with the atheists. It’s like threatening to cut off our third leg.

The trouble is, you seem to think that if you want to convince people homosexuality causes earthquakes or rock music is evil, all you have to do is say that God hates it. A lot of Christians will debate you on that anyway, of course. But an atheist will probably just shrug, because, obviously, the statement is meaningless if you don’t believe in God anyway.

Chick tracts do this too. A typical exchange:

- Good Fundamentalist: “You need to accept Jesus into your heart. That is the only way to be saved.”
- Evil Godless Person: “How do I know?”
- Good Fundamentalist: “Jesus says so!”
- Evil Godless Person (now Good Christian Person No 2): “Oh. OK then.”

In real life this would be much more likely to go as follows:

- Good Fundamentalist: “You need to accept Jesus into your heart. That is the only way to be saved.”
- Evil Godless Person: “How do I know?”
- Good Fundamentalist: “Jesus says so!”
- Evil Godless Person: “Yes, but as you know I don’t believe in Jesus, so I need some proof that isn’t related to that.”
- Good Fundamentalist: “… Jesus says so!”
- Evil Godless Person: “So you said. But as far as I am concerned Jesus is not a source of authority. What else have you got?”
- Good Fundamentalist: “… JESUS SAYS SO!”
- Evil Godless Person: “Goodbye.”
- The head of the frustrated Good Fundamentalist splatters across the walls.

You see the problem?

P.S. I know, I know, the American religious right are an easy target. But I can’t stay away.

P.P.S. If you too find evangelical Christianity oddly fascinating, you might be interested in my novel…