Archive for me

Time and the letter E

Like many of the people reading this,I was born in the mid 1970s.* It’s a very confusing fact. The 1970s seems like such a long time ago, but I’m only 36, and that’s still… sort of young, isn’t it? Or am I middle aged? Is 40 middle aged? Is 30 young? I have friends who were born in the 1990s: how can that be, when the 1990s were only a handful of years ago? What, in summary, has happened to time?

I think a lot of my generation feels weird about this. I’m not saying this makes us unique or anything, you understand, but we do have some justification in feeling a little unsettled. Many of my friends have careers that our school careers advisors wouldn’t have even known existed. I was a website editor for a while, in 2001. When I was doing my A-Levels, that phrase would have meant so little to me or anyone in my school that we’d have assumed it was perhaps someone who investigated the location of spiders. (A job, incidentally, that would be very very low on my list of career options.)

typewriter

I remember these

There is technology not yet invented when I was born, that is now obsolete. My parents first used a video recorder when I was 14; my daughters will never have used one. (Although I do still have a cassette player and have taught my older daughter how to use it, so some of the old ways survive.) There is an MP3 player in a drawer in my house somewhere, like a forgotten high-tech fossil, and if either my parents or my children ever come across it, none of them will have any idea what it is or how to make it work. (I can’t remember how to make it work either, to be fair.)

So we have a responsibility. We are the custodians of our technology, our fleeting, new, antiquated technology, pressed like a flower between the black-and-white TV of the 1960s and the mind-controlled multidimensional virtual reality software that is doubtless going to be implanted in my children’s brains when they reach the age of 16, and we must guard and remember it, because it may define us.**

@

The information superhighway - another obsolete term I quite liked

Possibly the reason all this is on my mind is that I have just achieved my lifetime ambition, but not in a way my younger self would have recognised. My first novel*** is going to be published as an e-book, by Ghostwoods Books. Not only did e-books not exist when I was born, they didn’t exist (as far as I know) when my seven-year-old daughter was born. But here they are, e-books, in that weird space that isn’t physical but isn’t just in your mind either, cyberspace – an old-fashioned term in itself – and I’m going to be e-published as an e-author and tell people about it on email and be for sale on eBay (maybe). It may be the most common letter in the alphabet, but I could never have guessed that the letter E would become so important to my life. Here’s to being an e-person.

* This isn’t a comment about the median age of internet users or anything, just that the vast majority of my readers are people I know, and a lot of the people I know are roughly my age. In case anyone was wondering.

** And also because a lot of it was quite good, to be honest. I liked cassette recorders. You could stop playing music, and when you started again they would carry on playing from where they had stopped. (This feature is of course returning now we’ve stopped using CDs and started playing music on our phones instead, so I don’t really have any excuse for missing cassette tapes except nostalgia, but never mind.)

*** My only finished novel, in fact, although this will change.

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Apologising to Fruit and Comedians

apple

A desperate apple

I am the kind of person who will apologise to anything. If I have to choose between one apple and another, I will say sorry to the apple I decide not to eat. Not out loud. That would be silly. Just in my head and without realising I’m doing it. I will explain to the apple that it’s not personal, it’s not that I hate it or find it unappealing in any way. I’m sure it would be delicious and juicy with just the right amount of crunch. But on this occasion I’ve decided to go in a different direction.

(Arguably it would make more sense to apologise to the apple I was going to eat, but apparently in the world inside my head, where pieces of fruit have opinions on things, they would rather be eaten than rejected, and who can say they’re wrong?)

As I say, I rarely do any of this consciously. I did just now, though. I apologised to the comedian Stewart Lee in my head. I’m halfway through his extremely interesting book How I Escaped My Certain Fate, and I realised I’d slightly misread a bit of it and I read it again to get the detail right. It was a tiny detail. But I became aware that I was having an imaginary conversation with Stewart Lee in which I explained that I’d been ill for the last three days and I’d been up since 4.30am, and that was why I’d briefly thought he was talking about a comedy show in Edinburgh rather than Glasgow. And I was really sorry for getting it wrong. And in my head, the imaginary Stewart Lee forgave me for my error and gave me permission to go on reading. So that was ok.

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I have been awake since 4.30am thinking about this.

I’m suffering from word fatigue. There too many of them and they never do precisely what you want. Or worse, you think they have, and when you come back later they’ve shuffled themselves around, so that what you thought was a good punchy sentence turns out to be so dull  your eyes are physically unable to read it all the way through. Words are laughing at me. Trying to control them is like trying to tether a thousand ants and teach them a Busby Berkeley routine.

Perhaps I should cease this frustrating and probably pointless exercise and learn to play the piano instead. It won’t be any easier, but at least nobody expects me to be any good at the piano. Or perhaps I could express myself through the medium of dance – no, not dance, I have all the physical grace of a hand puppet operated by a five-year-old. Sculpture? Weaving? Making the perfect mushroom risotto?

I think today I shall find creative expression through singing Old MacDonald Has a Farm to my six-month-old daughter. She thinks I’m brilliant no matter what I do, provided I bribe her with mashed banana.

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Intro

Hello.

Bear with me, I’m trying to teach myself how to run a website.  Let me just grab a hammer and fix this nail hanging off the corner of the DNS servers – no wait, I can’t do DIY either, so that metaphor’s going nowhere.  Maybe you could just let me know if my HTML is showing and we’ll go from there.

The thing is, I have this book. Novel. I wrote it and then I rewrote it, like you do, and the lovely Tim Dedopulos at Ghostwood Books is reading it, and if everything works out it might be getting published as an e-book, which would be amazing. I mean, amazing for me. From other people’s point of view it probably doesn’t have quite the same sense of amazingness but that’s ok, I have enough for everyone. Anyway.

I realised that I needed a proper web presence.

Then I realised that a) I had no idea how to go about that, and b) I have no free time. (Job, daughters, novel to rewrite, friends to organise and, er, DVDs to watch – ok, the last one doesn’t sound very urgent but I’m halfway through catching up on The West Wing and it’s got me like crack. Like crack might have done if I’d ever tried it. I would like to make it clear, particularly if my mum is reading this, that I have never tried it and never intend to. Thank you. Right.)

So I have dealt with my first problem, the not knowing what I’m doing, by taking a deep breath and just doing it, and we’ll see how that goes. The second problem I already knew how to solve. I may not have much free time, but I do have a lot of very interesting and articulate friends, some of whom already had plenty of useful content that I could steal, I mean ‘republish with credit’. So there will be music reviews from Troy, book reviews from lizw, interviews with people who have fascinating subjects to talk about, and links to the other places where people are being interesting. And content from me as and when. Let’s see how it goes. Wish me luck.

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