B – Your partner is pregnant
YOU WIN IF
- You are male;
- your partner is female;
- you have married your pregnant partner, preferably before she got pregnant;
- you earn enough to keep all of you;
- you planned to conceive;
- you have not worn tight underpants or ridden any bikes, so as to keep your sperm healthy and numerous;
- you have already bought all the baby books in existence and given them to your partner to read (but not read them yourself because you are too manly to be interested in babies).
YOU LOSE IF
- You are female. If you and your partner are both women, then your baby will never have any male role models (because obviously neither of you will have any fathers, brothers, or male friends) and will thus grow up twisted and uncertain. Also, you will teach your baby to be a lesbian witch flower child, or alternatively a flaming homosexual. Or maybe if you have a boy you’ll just sacrifice him to some pagan goddess or other because you hate men so much. Who knows? Best to give the whole thing up now and find yourselves good husbands, a nice local church, and a secret stash of vodka and pills.
- You are male, but have not married your partner. What kind of man are you anyway, fathering illegitimate babies all over the place and not making an honest woman of your poor girlfriend (or late-night one-off fling or whatever she is). Go buy a ring right away, and then everything will be ok and nothing bad can happen to any of you.
- You are poor. It is a well-known fact that poor people tend to have a lot of children, but nobody knows why since clearly only rich people can afford the private nursery and school fees, ponies, rabbits, ballet classes etc that all children naturally require. You’ll need to make some money fast. I hear city trading is profitable and risk-free.
- You are either too interested in parenting, or not interested enough. There is a fine line to walk here. If you’re not involved enough, you will be an absentee father and your child will hate you, as will your soon-to-be-ex-partner. If you are too interested, and for example intend to be the parent who stays home while your partner goes back to work, that is frankly weird and suspicious. Men like going to work, women like staying at home. Do not mess with the natural order of things or who knows what could happen? You’re probably contributing to the breakdown of society, and when we’re all back to living in caves and rubbing sticks together to make fire, it will be YOUR FAULT.