There are… things you find, when doing online Christmas shopping. Stupid things. Things you might secretly, guiltily want to buy for someone, but you have nobody to buy them for because all your relatives are far too sensible to want the quirky, ridiculous, deeply silly objects that you are involuntarily drawn to. At least, if you’re me. I appreciate you may not be me. But I am, and in order to not buy these objects for anyone and risk alienating my family for ever, I need to put them into a blog post instead. So, well, here we are. I can only apologise.
Christmas Pudding Bin Bags
For the person who: a) loves Christmas so much they need even their rubbish to wear a festive outfit, and b) doesn’t mind spending £6 on a pack of bin bags. Actually, this is very nearly me, and I really want the goldfish ones too. But I am ashamed of it, if that helps.
Drawbacks: Six quid for something you will definitely not use again. The neighbours may mock you.
You could instead buy: Christmas loo roll, which astonishingly has an entire website devoted to selling it.
For the person who: combines devotion to Joss Whedon, and/or Nathan Fillion, and/or hammers, with a love of felt. If you think that’s not a lot of people, you don’t know the people I know.
Drawbacks: Would probably work better with a matching Dr Horrible which takes you up to £20 plus shipping from the US. But then you could make them fight. (Or whatever you want to make them do. I’m not judging.)
You could instead buy: a Malcolm Reynolds felt toy, for an alternative Whedon-universe-captain-played-by-Nathan-Fillion toy experience.
I Want a F*cking Unicorn mug
For the person who: likes swear words on their mugs and also really wants a rainbowy unicorn. It’s not the world’s biggest overlap, admittedly, but maybe you could buy it for a couple one of whom is a misanthropic grump and one of whom is a happy little pixie type.
Drawbacks: the rules of mugs state that if you own a rude mug of any kind, that is the one you’ll inevitably always get out when elderly relatives or small children visit. You can avoid this by using it as a work mug, if you have that kind of workplace, which I for one don’t.
You could instead buy: this adorable mug with a biscuit pocket. Biscuit pocket!
Inflatable Fruit Cake
For the person who: is on an Inflatable Food Diet. (A concept I have now created by imagining it. Sorry.)
Drawbacks: it has no actual use whatsoever. Even within this blog post, it probably comes out as the least practical item.
You could instead buy: well, sticking with inflatable food, there’s this 15-foot tall inflatable strawberry. Price unknown since it’s really a marketing gimmick, but there’s got to be someone this is the perfect present for. Surely.
For the person who: has always wanted to be a two-dimensional, snuggly superhero. Which is the best kind of superhero. And look at the male models in that picture. You could look like that. If you wanted to. Which you possibly don’t.
Drawbacks: £20 for a blanket is maybe overdoing it. Some people might think you looked silly. (Not me! I would think you looked cool. But my opinion on cool really counts for nothing.)
You could instead buy: a singing cat jumper. A jumper that sings carols in a cat’s voice using your phone. Dark magic indeed.
For the person: whose car you dented this year. Or, I guess, whose car you plan to dent next year. It’s important to plan ahead.
Drawbacks: I find that buying people amusing car decor almost never result in them actually putting it on their car, which makes me sad. But on the other hand, it would also be useful if a magnetic giant came to tea and happened to skewer his or her finger on a carelessly placed fork.
You could instead buy: car eyelashes, which when I am in charge will be compulsory on all cars. Diamante eyeliner sadly out of stock.
For the child who: a) is not claustrophobic, and b) enjoys really, really freaking people out.
Drawbacks: If the wind changes they could get stuck like that and you’d have a child/bat hybrid to deal with, necessitating extra cost in bat food and installing a hook for them to hang off while they sleep. Also there is the possibility that they will further morph into either Batman or a small vampire, each of which could bring its own problems.
You could instead buy: this shiny red bat suit for the enterprising adult in your life.
For the person who: has everything else.
Drawbacks: How can there be drawbacks to coffee, bacon and waffle flavoured floss? It’s twisted genius.
You could instead buy: breakfast flavoured liquor (including glazed doughnut flavour, which may be the best idea anyone has ever had). Waffle vodka. Bacon toothpaste. Bacon toothpicks. Bacon-flavoured oxygen. There is, as I’m sure you already know, basically no end to the things bacon can be used to flavour. I wish I liked bacon.