Unexpected items in bragging area

Hello! I should really update about what I’ve been doing elsewhere, as it’s all got quite busy. (And also, I was desperate to use this title.)

In December I was accepted into a Guardian writers’ workshop, and a result of that I’ve written three articles for them – two are linked from my Guardian profile, and the third, on genderswitching the classics, is here.

I’m also guest blogging for The F-Word in January and have written one post for them so far, called “Can’t you take a joke?”

So life is busy (particularly since I have a job and two children and technically no free time) but fun. My most recent Guardian article, about the concept of Twitter as a virtual literary salon, led to a Twitter conversation with Neil Gaiman – which, admittedly, involved him very nicely letting me know that I’d got one of my facts wrong, but he was also sweet about the article itself.

It’s been interesting writing for the Guardian, the Huffington Post and the F-Word (and Choler, of course) as well as my own site. The nature of the comments has varied wildly depending on the site: the F-Word has been lovely, the Huffington has frequently involved people rather missing my point (which is the risk involved in trying to be funny on the internet). I have largely avoided reading the Guardian comments altogether because the commentators there are notoriously often very harsh (and also often miss the point), as I know from years of watching people take Charlie Brooker’s articles utterly literally.

In fiction-related news, I shall soon have some print copies of my novel for sale at £6.50 plus postage: please email fausterella at gmail if interested! The e-book remains available on Amazon etc.

Oh, and you can currently get 25% off my short stories or my genderswitched Austen book at lulu.com with code LULUBOOKUK305.

I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I think 2012 is going to be exciting.

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True Friends and False Dichotomies

It’s the start of the year. Traditionally a time when people gathered around the fire, wrapped themselves up warmly and shared online self-help tips with each other, possibly accompanied by pictures of inspirational kittens hanging off things. 

I don’t want to undermine this noble activity, but I can’t help noticing that a lot of self-help advice is not actually that useful. Being inspirational is all very well, but being told, for example, “stop worrying” and “stop blaming other people for your problems” and “you can’t love others till you love yourself” is getting a bit grating. In the entire history of spoken language, the phrase “stop worrying” has never decreased anyone’s levels of worry. And what if other people actually are to blame for your problems? And it’s demonstrably true that you can, in fact, love others without loving yourself. People manage it all the time. 

But the one that’s particularly annoying me is actually two pieces of advice in conjunction. I won’t name the site I saw it on, because it’s not fair – it’s well-intentioned, and you can find the same advice all over the internet. But this is the quote:

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. …  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.”

Let’s look at a practical example of what this advice entails. Let’s say Ai and Bee are friends. However, Bee has become clingy and depressed and is draining Ai’s energy, so Ai drops Bee as a friend. 

That’s what happened from Ai’s point of view. From Bee’s point of view, Ai failed the test of true friendship by not standing by her when Bee was “at her worst”.  Who’s right? 

What I’m trying to say is that the two pieces of advice above can easily lead to double standards. Dump people who drag you down, but only be friends with people who won’t do that to you? Is that fair?

The trouble is, it’s when people are at their worst that they suck other people’s happiness. And it’s probably because they’re suffering from depression or loss or rejection themselves. The problem of what to do about that is a real one, both for them and for their friends, but I don’t think it should be solved by dividing one’s friends into ‘people I will dump if they get too needy’ and ‘people I will stand by at all costs.’

And to continue to look at this in practical terms, how do you tell someone they’re too depressing to be friends with any more? Email? Text? Skywriting? A personalised message in a stick of rock? The etiquette is far from clear.

And when does the tipping point come? The 1am phone call when they cry at you over the infidelity of their partner or the loss of their mother or their boss’s insensivity? Is that a great time to mention that they’re getting a bit draining and could they stop talking to you?

I agree that sometimes you do have to focus on looking after yourself first, and I can see that standing by people could be seen as one of the criteria for ‘true friendship’ – but I’d like more detail on what standing by someone involves in reality. What if they’ve killed someone? Do you have to take their side in every argument (and what if you have another friend on the other side?) Can you still hang out with their ex? Loyalty is not a simple concept. And nor is friendship. 

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Five Definite Predictions for 2012

It is the Weekend of the Two-Faced God. Saturday is the old year, Sunday is the new. We look backwards then forwards, as if crossing the Motorway of Life, except that would be looking left then right. And you don’t usually cross motorways. But you know what I mean. 

With this in mind, I present Five Definite Predictions For 2012. Like Harold Camping and the Mayans, I can assert with absolute confidence that all of these will come to pass. Unlike them, I’m actually right.*

1. Everyone you know will have a birthday. 

2. 2012 will be a Leap Year. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. Leap Years are years when everyone is contractually obliged to spend at least 50% of their time leaping like frolicking baby lambs. Have fun! The last recorded Leap Year was in 2008, which was a really long time ago when you think about it. We had a Labour Government, many of the world’s dictators were still alive and dictating, and I only had one child. This is not related to the first two facts. Probably. 

3. There will be snow. And sun and hail and tornadoes and hurricanes and monsoons and that drizzly spattering rain that smells funny. Not all of these will happen in the UK, of course, but globally, over the course of the year, I have no hesitation in predicting the arrival of virtually every type of weather. 

4. There will be new gadgets of many kinds. And my partner will make a brave and concerted attempt to buy all of them. (I, meanwhile, will doggedly refuse to part with my cracked and dropped-in-the-bath iPhone, because I don’t think you should abandon objects just because they’ve very nearly stopped working and inspire one’s friends to wordless pity.)

5. The world will not end. Or if it does, it will be because of giant super-intelligent robots, not the Rapture. Which, of the ways for the world to end, is probably my favourite. So that’s OK. 

*I am being deeply unfair to the Mayans, who did not in fact predict the world would end in 2012. Sorry, Mayans. I needed a famous second example and you’re not around to complain about being misconstrued. 

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Can you have Christmas without Christ? And if not… then what?

Santa don't want you for a sunbeam.

It’s that time of year again. Church signs across the UK are proclaiming that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, and calls for a Christian Christmas are rife (because apparently Christianity, the world’s biggest religion, is in danger of being attacked into oblivion). At least this year there might be fewer references to Winterval, now that even the Daily Mail has admitted it was a fuss about nothing.

Yes: as the song almost says, Santa Christ is coming to town. He’s made his list, he’s checked it twice, and he’s quite clear who’s been naughty and nice. If you truly believe in him, you get a stocking full of satsumas, chocolate and interesting little twiddly things; everyone else gets the traditional sack of coal. (Which, given the impending fossil fuel shortage, could actually be very useful.)

So what if the Reason for the Season faction were right? What if you actually couldn’t have Christmas without Christ? After all, he’s in the title. It would be like having Hamlet without Hamlet, Madame Bovary without Madame Bovary, Waiting for Godot without… well, anyway.

And, importantly, if you’re not supposed to have Christmas without having Christ, what are the options for those who are not currently in possession of Him? Which, since actual UK church attendance on Christmas Day is outstripped by online shopping figures, may be quite a lot of the population. I can only suppose that basically, under these rules, this weekend will see the country divided.

On the one hand (a hand symbolically covered in chocolate, tinsel, and goose fat – actually, that sounds quite an unpleasant combination, just ignore me) we have the true believers celebrating the birth of their Lord, as instructed.

On the other hand, we have everyone else. Atheists, agnostics, members of non-Christian religions, slightly apathetic C of E members who don’t really believe, and so on. No celebrations for them. No tree, no turkey, no crackers, no mince pies. If any seasonal snow should fall, jump out of the way as if each snowflake were made of acid. No carols. Don’t trill so much as a snatch of Jingle Bells; God is listening, ears pricked for the sound of people singing songs whose lyrics they don’t believe in. (So be careful with pop songs too; no renditions of “Last Christmas I gave you my heart” unless you actually have the organ donation certificate.)

And no presents. In fact, to be safe, it’s probably best if you don’t give anyone anything during the day, in case it’s misconstrued as a gift. Hand your loved one a piece of toast and you could find yourself accidentally blaspheming.

I don’t think this can be what the Reason for the Season people actually want, though, because that would leave only about 10% of the country celebrating Christmas. What they want is for everyone to be Christian, so that nobody will be left out in the cold. (Although it’s unseasonably warm out. But metaphorically.)

However, it would surely be wrong to become Christian in order to be allowed to celebrate Christmas; that’s cheating. You have to be a true believer or it doesn’t count. It’s hard though, trying to will yourself into believing something you basically find unlikely, and I speak as someone who’s tried. It’s like squeezing your eyes shut in order to make yourself sleep: some things just have to happen on their own.

In fact, I think I can more easily believe in Santa than in Jesus. After all, I’ve met Santa on numerous occasions, in a wide variety of shopping centres. He has provided us with actual physical items and questioned my family on the level of its moral failings. His appearance seems to vary from occasion to occasion, but then I have friends of whom that is also true.

So if I happen to find the Messiah sitting in a red and green tent next to a M&S and handing my daughter a wrapped pack of colouring pencils, then we’ll talk. Until then, I’m just going to have to live with a potentially-blasphemous Christmas featuring family, friendship, gifts, my children’s laughing faces and the warming crunch of my brother-in-law’s excellent roast potatoes. I find that I believe very firmly in all of those.

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Have We Become a Nation of Scrooges?

David Cameron recently called for Britain to return to Christian values.

Well, as a non-believer, I’d prefer not to sign up to the actual religion, but I agree some of the values are very much worth preserving. And for me, especially at this time of year, those values are largely summed up by the story of A Christmas Carol - a traditional family tale which should be well up Cameron’s street, surely.

But is he, and are we, really listening to its message? It’s a very clear message, made plain from early on when Scrooge is approached to give to charity.

“Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir.”

“Are there no prisons?” asked Scrooge.

Earlier this year, Ken Clarke’s attempt at prison reform was blocked because the government didn’t want to be ‘soft’ on crime.

“I don’t make merry myself at Christmas [said Scrooge] and I can’t afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned – they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there.”

The government and the right-wing media are full of attacks on benefit fraudsters, ‘scroungers’, and ‘handouts’. But 96% of calls to the National Benefit Fraud Hotline are malicious or timewasting. Of 254,000 calls to the hotline in 2009/10, only 1.3% resulted in a claimant being sanctioned for fraud. The Guardian has also reported that most cases of ‘fraud’ are actually error.

Meanwhile, ATOS is blithely pronouncing people fit to work on the basis of primitive tests and a brief interview. Not that they can get jobs, because there aren’t enough jobs to go round, and employers frequently discriminate against disabled people either overtly or covertly.

“If they would rather die,” said Scrooge, “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population. Besides – excuse me – I don’t know that.”

“But you might know it,” observed the gentleman.

“It’s not my business,” Scrooge returned.

There was a call recently for better-off pensioners to donate their winter fuel payments to less well-off pensioners. David Cameron’s comment on this was: “I would not want to see any pressure put on people to do something that might not be in their best interests.”

“Man,” said the Ghost, “if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. Will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man’s child. Oh God! to hear the Insect on the leaf pronouncing on the too much life among his hungry brothers in the dust!”

Ken Clarke said after the riots: ”In my opinion our feral underclass in this country is too big, it has been growing, and now needs to be diminished.”

They were a boy and girl. Yellow, meagre, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility.

“…This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want.”

“Have they no refuge or resource?” cried Scrooge.

“Are there no prisons?” said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. “Are there no workhouses?”

The Institute for Fiscal Studies estimates that child poverty will rise by 800,000 by 2020. People with cancer could lose their benefits if they don’t get better fast enough, and disabled children are being targeted too. David Cameron has proposed stripping benefits from families where children regularly play truant.

“But you were always a good man of business, Jacob,” faltered Scrooge.

“Business!” cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. “Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

Do I even have to mention bankers?

Is Scrooge really the role model we want to adopt? If so, let’s stop pretending that we have any respect for the (traditional) values of generosity, benevolence and kindness. And while I don’t believe in ghosts, this image from A Christmas Carol never fails to chill me.

The air was filled with phantoms, wandering hither and thither in restless haste, and moaning as they went. Every one of them wore chains like Marley’s Ghost; some few (they might be guilty governments) were linked together; none were free. Many had been personally known to Scrooge in their lives. He had been quite familiar with one old ghost, in a white waistcoat, with a monstrous iron safe attached to its ankle, who cried piteously at being unable to assist a wretched woman with an infant, whom it saw below, upon a door-step. The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost the power for ever.

Christmas Eve is this Saturday. Who’s on for putting on some chains and arranging a midnight visit to Cameron?

Or is it the whole country that needs deScrooging?

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Merry Christmas, Fatty! and other festive conversations

The National Obesity Forum has suggested that Christmas is the perfect time to tell loved ones that they’re overweight and to suggest remedies for this. This is an excellent idea, of course. People who are fat are often completely unaware of this fact, because the general public are obviously far too polite to shout insults at them in the street. It is also very important to say things like “Have you tried eating less and exercising more?” because that will be the first time they’ve ever heard these ideas.

Since open season has now been declared on making unprovoked personal criticisms, allow me to suggest some further conversational gambits designed to make the festivities go with a bang. (The bang in question being the sound of your front door slamming behind your guests as they leave, never to return.)

“You smoke!”

This will be a huge surprise to people. When alerted to the fact that there is a lit cigarette in their hand, they may well jump back as if discovering a live snake between their fingers. At this point you may want to follow up your initial announcement by telling them that smoking is bad for them. Chances are they will never have heard of this fact, and will be wildly grateful for the information. Earn bonus points by snatching the cigarette from them, throwing it to the floor, and stamping on it while screaming “You are going to die! You are going to die!”

“You’re drinking a glass of wine while pregnant!”

Pregnant women are notoriously stupid and unable to make any choices for themselves. As such, it’s a good idea to give them a full rundown, every time you see them, of all the ways in which they can damage their future baby. Most importantly, make sure you insist on the fact that drinking one glass of wine on Christmas Day could result in them giving birth to the Antichrist. They’ll thank you for it eventually.

“You’re very shy, aren’t you?”

Shy people love being told this: it really boosts their confidence, especially if said in front of a lot of people. For extra usefulness, try telling them to dance, do a funny walk or wear an amusing hat, and mocking them if they refuse. Nothing makes a Christmas party go with more of a swing than the sight of extremely embarrassed people who just want to be left alone.

If none of the above opportunities presents itself, don’t give up: there will always be someone with funny ears or a stammer, or who’s a bit short. A handy tip is to stare at glossy magazines till you’ve memorised what people are supposed to look like, and then judge everyone you meet against this criteria.

Merry Christmas!

Don't forget to leave a Slimfast and a Weight Watcher's leaflet out for Santa!

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The Truly Terrible Secret of Being Fat?

There’s an article in the Guardian today by Hopi Sen, the former Labour head of campaigns, about his struggles to lose weight. I liked it for being very honest and not melodramatic.

There’s one thing that struck me, though. He’s writing from his own perspective, of course, but at one point he generalises to say:

I discovered the truly terrible secret of being fat. It doesn’t greatly matter to other people whether or not you are. Given a certain level of talent, charisma or passionate interest, or even without any of these things, other people’s interest in your weight is pretty minimal, unless you’re some sort of celebrity.

Most people are not so superficial as to judge you on your weight alone, nor as interested in your flaws as you might wish. Unless you are the fabled One-Tonne Man, or mind-bogglingly boring, your weight simply cannot be the most interesting thing about you.

All of which may well be true – if you’re male.

Imagine a woman writing those two paragraphs. I can’t.

I have been lucky in that my life has contained very few people who have attacked or mocked me for my weight, but I cannot possibly be ignorant of the enormous cultural pressure for women to be thin.

And, of course, it’s not really true of all men either. But Sen’s statements really underline for me how different the cultural pressures are. It would have been useful if he’d noticed or acknowledged that too.

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A Skyrim Widow Speaks Out

First published at the Huffington Post.

I wish I liked computer games. I want to. I used to like some of them, the ones where you just solved silly puzzles while exploring an island with a weremonkey sitting on your shoulder telling jokes about pirates. (I may be conflating a few different games here).

But I get stressed when I have to do things within a certain time. And I get stressed when I have to talk to strangers, even imaginary and/or virtual ones. And I get stressed when I feel responsible for other people. And I don’t want to kill anyone, even if they’re a gangster, vampire, zombie ghoul, or evil prostitute who’s nicked all my beer and betrayed me to the mafia boss who’s also my mother. (I don’t know if that actually happens, but that’s what I imagine computer games to be like.)

So that’s almost all computer games out. I tried to play the Sims once and had to stop after five minutes, exhausted with the power. Having control of an entire world of tiny two-dimensional people was terrifying. What if they rebelled and rose up against me? What if I left them for too long and they all died from starvation? This is exactly why I didn’t like playing with dolls as a child.

I blame the graphics. They’re too good: my brain cannot understand that this is a game, not reality. A lifetime of being culturally indoctrinated not to shoot anyone in the kneecaps has meant that I can’t even pretend to do it to something that looks vaguely sentient. Which is silly, because I can watch violence on TV or at the cinema. (Well, I can if I squint a bit and think about happy things). I can even write characters that bad things happen to – there are two major deaths in my novel, and they’re both characters I liked. Did I care? No. I laughed like a bouncy serial killer as I sent them to be murdered. And those are people from inside my own head. So there’s no logic to it at all, really.

But logic or not, I find that modern computer games mainly seem designed to give me a nervous breakdown, and I don’t really need them for that – I have children.

Anyway. One of the reasons why I wish I liked computer games is that I have currently lost my partner to one. Well, not lost. I know where he is. He’s in his room, killing people in order to steal their souls and sell them so he can buy soft furnishings for his house. Only it’s not ‘his’ house, because – I recently discovered – in every computer game he plays, his character is a lesbian elf. Even in games where that’s technically not possible. It’s probably very meaningful.

I have in the past been a GTA widow, an Assassin’s Creed widow and a Portal widow, so this is not new. I am used to finding that once the children are in bed, my partner slinks upstairs muttering something about the goblins getting lonely. Sometimes they are space goblins, sometimes they are undead goblins, but they always seem to need a lot of attention. I’ve started to feel quite motherly towards them, although I’m keeping that emotion under control since the attention they mainly seem to need is having machetes aimed at their heads.

There is a Skyrim fraternity too, I notice. We went to a child’s birthday party last weekend and the father greeted my partner with the words: “Wood elf?” “No,” he replied. “Dark elf.” They both nodded wisely. I stared at them and ate apple crumble.

I think I just prefer my leisure time entertainment to be non-interactive, like TV. Maybe I’d like computer games better if they resembled the TV shows I like – has anyone invented one with singing and dancing in it yet? I could go for an X-Box with a pair of tiny tap shoes attached. As long as I didn’t have to use them to stamp anyone to death.

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The Dilemma Habit

[This was the original, and totally different, version of my Huffington Post Halloween article, Eight Legs No Soul.]

I love working out the answer to imaginary dilemmas. I know you only really get them in thrillers, but you can never be sure when life will imitate art. So it’s best to be prepared for the day when a masked man will break into your home and demand you choose between undergoing a bizarre torture and sacrificing the lives of your family. Otherwise you might be taken unawares and just stare at him going “What? Why? What’s in this for you? Don’t you just want to steal my TV?”

So, in a spirit of mental preparation, I have spent some time pondering the issue of whether I would I spend a day trapped in a coffin with spiders in order to save my children from being murdered. Well, yes, I would. (Parental love has a lot to answer for.)

But would I do it in order to save my partner from being murdered? Sure, although I’d need absolute proof, in writing, that he would definitely die if I didn’t do it and definitely wouldn’t if I did.

Down one notch: would I do it in order to save my partner from being beaten up? Well.. maybe. How severe would the beating be, exactly? He’s robust, he’d probably recover from most things. And anyway, maybe he’d volunteer to be beaten up in order to save me from being trapped in a coffin, in which case I think I’d accept his sacrifice (reluctantly but definitely). I’d stock up on Savlon and bandages, of course, and be prepared for a lifetime of guilt, but I’d probably cope.

Would I do it to save a friend from being murdered? Not a close friend, a friendly acquaintance, one of the people I see once a year or so and follow on Facebook but I probably couldn’t tell you the names of their children and/or pets, or what they do for a living. Um… well, I suppose so. I wouldn’t want it on my conscience that I’d got someone killed because I wouldn’t spend a day doing something that wasn’t actually going to cause me damage. But I might suggest some form of financial compensation at that point, because while saving people from death is obviously very motivating, so is money. And I’d probably need some therapy to recover from that cosy spider-infested darkness.

I think the above may potentially be the basis for some kind of reality game show, by the way. Not one I’d willingly take part in, but then there aren’t any reality TV shows I’d willingly take part in.

Now I’ve thought about reality TV shows, I find myself wondering if I’d take part in a reality TV show in order to save my children from being mildly inconvenienced in some way. Maybe… Oh, damn it, I’ve fallen into the Dilemma Habit. This happens when you start turning every situation into a moral exercise. Would you drink gone-off milk in order to avoid a day of data entry at work? (No, for the record. Old milk makes me feel sick and I quite like data entry.) Would you walk a mile in uncomfortable shoes if it meant a stranger in Australia recovered from her kidney stone? (Sure.) Would you strip to your underwear in a tube train so that your sister-in-law would pass her accountancy exams? (Um…) Would you dye your hair an unflattering colour if it ensured that a colleague’s dad’s cat didn’t go blind? (What?)

After a while, you start to regret spending all this time and energy on decisions you’ll probably never have to make. You begin to yearn for some strange and interesting circumstances to arise that will force you to use your now finely calibrated sense of ethics. Perhaps what we need is a Dilemmas Agency. You pay them a retainer, and every now and then, they turn up on your doorstep or desk and make you choose between things. Not things involving death, obviously. Just small choices. And then, after you’ve opted for your next-door-neighbour to be shouted at by religious fundamentalists so you don’t have to hold a spider for three minutes, you realise that it’s the small choices that show you who you really are. But at least you didn’t have to hold a spider. God, I hate spiders.

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Let Me Eat Cake! Being Suddenly Coeliac

Originally published by the Huffington Post. Who made a few minor changes before publication, including lengthening the title and adding a typo; this is my original version.

 

I am standing in Marks and Spencers, glaring at a chocolate éclair.

I have to admit, in the back of my brain, I know that the éclair hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Its only problem is that a month ago I would have bought it and eaten it, and now I can’t. And frankly, I resent that. What right do chocolate éclairs have to be unavailable to me? How dare my body acquire a non-éclair-eating disease? What are M&S thinking, selling éclairs with wheat flour in? Don’t they know that stuff is poisonous? Should I complain to someone?

I had been gluten free for about a week at this point, and the reality of it was starting to sink in.

At first I didn’t mind being diagnosed with coeliac disease. It was nice having a proper diagnosis rather than just unidentified stomach pains (like a UFO, but with fewer aliens, unless you’re very unlucky). People were sympathetic. And it’s a controllable disease; you don’t suffer from it, provided you can manage never to eat gluten again. Any of it. Ever.

So gluten and I were through, like a partner you think is tasty and delicious, but then it turns out they were secretly poisoning you all along. It’s not literally a case of never eating bread, cereal, pasta, pizza, cakes or pastry again, because you can get gluten-free equivalents of all of those. But you can’t walk into most shops and get them. Those cupcake cafes around London have become forbidden fruit. (Though luckily, fruit itself is not forbidden. But if you’re craving the squishy fluffiness of a cupcake, apples just don’t satisfy. I suppose I could coat them in bright pink butter icing.)

But the thing I hadn’t quite realised is how wheat gets into everything. Like chips.

I had friends who were openly sceptical about this. Chips are potato, they pointed out, and potato is fine. But I’d joined the Coeliac Society and read up on this, and I knew that some chips were fine and some weren’t – for example if they’d been fried in the same fryer as onion rings. So now I have to be someone who goes up to the bar in a pub and says, “excuse me, are your chips gluten free?”

I hate the idea of being that person. In fact, I hate it so much that I haven’t actually done it yet, I’ve just eaten the chips and hoped.

But I’ll have to get over that hurdle, because if I eat gluten-contaminated things I will damage my intestines and increase my risk of getting various cancers, all of which seem to have terrifyingly high mortality rates. I will do a lot of things to avoid dying of bowel cancer, and if one of those things is going to have to be sounding like a fussy eater in public, then so be it. Picky wins over dead.

I do wonder how it’s going to be, never eating a Double Decker again, or a bowl of Ricicles, or a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. (For those who are worrying about my appalling diet, don’t worry – it also features food that is not composed mainly of sugar.)

On the other hand, there are always Twirls. And as I discovered the other day, I live in a world where Tesco will sell me a gluten-free, raspberry-jam-doughnut-flavoured milkshake. Frankly, that’s a world I’m okay with.

Gluten-free cake! From the WAG cafe in Brixton Market.

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