The National Obesity Forum has suggested that Christmas is the perfect time to tell loved ones that they’re overweight and to suggest remedies for this. This is an excellent idea, of course. People who are fat are often completely unaware of this fact, because the general public are obviously far too polite to shout insults at them in the street. It is also very important to say things like “Have you tried eating less and exercising more?” because that will be the first time they’ve ever heard these ideas.
Since open season has now been declared on making unprovoked personal criticisms, allow me to suggest some further conversational gambits designed to make the festivities go with a bang. (The bang in question being the sound of your front door slamming behind your guests as they leave, never to return.)
This will be a huge surprise to people. When alerted to the fact that there is a lit cigarette in their hand, they may well jump back as if discovering a live snake between their fingers. At this point you may want to follow up your initial announcement by telling them that smoking is bad for them. Chances are they will never have heard of this fact, and will be wildly grateful for the information. Earn bonus points by snatching the cigarette from them, throwing it to the floor, and stamping on it while screaming “You are going to die! You are going to die!”
“You’re drinking a glass of wine while pregnant!”
Pregnant women are notoriously stupid and unable to make any choices for themselves. As such, it’s a good idea to give them a full rundown, every time you see them, of all the ways in which they can damage their future baby. Most importantly, make sure you insist on the fact that drinking one glass of wine on Christmas Day could result in them giving birth to the Antichrist. They’ll thank you for it eventually.
“You’re very shy, aren’t you?”
Shy people love being told this: it really boosts their confidence, especially if said in front of a lot of people. For extra usefulness, try telling them to dance, do a funny walk or wear an amusing hat, and mocking them if they refuse. Nothing makes a Christmas party go with more of a swing than the sight of extremely embarrassed people who just want to be left alone.
If none of the above opportunities presents itself, don’t give up: there will always be someone with funny ears or a stammer, or who’s a bit short. A handy tip is to stare at glossy magazines till you’ve memorised what people are supposed to look like, and then judge everyone you meet against this criteria.