great ideas of our time

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The Twilight Division: A Cinematic Proposal

November 20, 2012 / admin / 2 comments

OK, so I like the Twilight films. The actors and the scenery are pretty, the plot is a perfectly good vampire story, and I like the way Kristen Stewart says everything in a flat monotone (I genuinely do) and the way Robert Pattinson has cute teeth and seems to be taking it all much less seriously than everyone else. Also, Michael Sheen.

I’d like to think that in a few years’ time, this will be roughly the attitude most people have towards the films. At the moment, of course, it’s difficult to fight one’s way through the clouds of obsessive adulation on the one hand and hostile mockery on the other to form any kind of measured opinion; and having managed to achieve one, I intend to guard it carefully, like a fragile glass jar filled with mild but sparkly enjoyment.

All of which is to say that last weekend I went to see Breaking Dawn 2 (The One Where Everything Wraps Up, More Or Less) and liked it. So did the majority of the audience, or at least I assume they did, since they didn’t get up and leave. Well, apart from all the people sitting in my row, who did in fact get up and leave as soon as the film started. But I’m assuming it was either that they were in the wrong screen, or that I have some form of personal problem that someone should have told me about by now. Or it was a form of performance art/creative protest against the Twilight franchise. Or perhaps they’d once been bitten by a snow-covered landscape and found it all too much to take.

Anyway. The point is, Twilight audiences are a sharply divided group, and all their permutations were reflected in my screening. At the back there were quite a lot of very, very excited teenage girls, who cheered and booed and generally really got into it all, which was rather endearing (I felt, in the patronising way of a woman in her late 30s going to see a teen vampire flm on her own). At the front were a handful of people who found the film hilariously worthy of mockery. In the middle were some, like me, who had just come to see a film they expected to enjoy.

While noting all this, I had a thought. You know how cinema listings these days often give you a choice of screening types? There are Over 18 screenings. (I initially assumed these were films with sex and swearing specially added for your viewing pleasure, but I think they’re probably just the same film with no under-18s admitted. Bah.) There are Parent and Baby screenings. And of course there’s 3D and IMAX. But there are important demographics being ignored here, and with modern culture becoming increasingly customised and tailored to niche markets, I think it’s time we got a few more options. This should be called The Twilight Division in honour of the founding franchise, and in the case of Breaking Dawn II, the screenings we needed were, at the very least:

Twilight (Mocking)
Twilight (Fan)

These two categories are in effect watching two completely different films, and should be treated as such. Let the fans enjoy themselves in their own way; let the mockers have fun in theirs. Putting the two together can only lead to friction, shouting and possibly some kind of West Side Story-type riot afterwards.

And yet, is this binary division enough? Some mockers like the films but find their enjoyment enhanced with a bit of laughter. Some genuinely just want to make fun of the entire enterprise (and are prepared to pay good money to do so, apparently). Some fans want to appreciate Bella and Edward/Jacob in reverent silence, some want to cheer every time Tayler Lautner displays any skin whatsoever. Some fall outside the binary altogether. So we need to subdivide. For example:

Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate)
Twilight (Mocking: Hostile)
Twilight (Fan: Quiet)
Twilight (Fan: Excited)
Twilight (Fan: Screaming Uncontrollably Throughout)
Twilight (In Wrong Screen, Meant To See Skyfall)
Twilight (Just Likes The Pretty Trees, Yes OK And Also Topless Jacob Is OK I Guess But Don’t Tell Anyone I Said So)

And even this ignores the various factions within each subdivision. Given a big enough set of screens, you could easily provide for:

Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Secretly Team Edward)
Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Secretly Team Jacob)
Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Secretly Team Bella)
Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Secretly Team Alice)
Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Secretly Team Michael Sheen’s Character, Whatever His Name Is)
Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Secretly Team Jessica And Very Disappointed in Breaking Dawn II)
Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Actually Genuinely Loves The Franchise But Can’t Admit It To Their Friends)
Twilight (Mocking: Affectionate: Owns All The Merchandise But Definitely In An Ironic Way)

And so on.

Alternatively, of course, you could have one big screen, but make it like a silent disco: everyone gets noise-cancelling headphones so they can’t hear anyone else’s reaction. Yes, you lose some of the cinema-going experience. But at least the Mocking, Affectionate: Secretly Team Bella and the Mocking, Affectionate: Secretly Team Alice factions won’t end up in a choreographed fist-fight. Or maybe that’s actually a downside. My money’s on the Alices.

(Made with MakeBeliefsComicx)

Category: advice, films, great ideas of our time /

Angilt and Other Emotional Cocktails

August 28, 2012 / admin / 5 comments

Babies only seem to have room for one emotion. It’s as though joy or hurt or hunger literally takes up so much room inside them that another feeling can’t get in till the first one’s gone. Distract a crying child with a sweet and the scream can change to a happy gurgle in an instant: there are few things as satisfying as the sound of “WAAAAA – ooh!”

As they get older, children start having room for two or three emotions at once until, by the time they get to be teenagers, they can simultaneously manage any combination of anger, lust, misery, unfocused excitement and existential dread without even blinking.

‘This is a pretty flower. Why am I inside it?’ This child is experiencing hapfusion, also known as confusiness.

And then you get to your 30s, and you realise that while you haven’t quite lost the ability to feel a single pure emotion, the majority of them are now mixed: layered on top of each other like Baileys and schapps, or just shaken together like a margarita. And then you realise that some of the combinations are so familiar that, like cocktails, they now deserve their own name*. I therefore present some of my personal emotional cocktails.

Angilt. Ingredients: anger + guilt. A very common combination, whose name handily sounds like some kind of elvish currency. Can be felt in situations where, for example, you’ve upset an annoying friend. Or at work, if you’re being blamed for something you didn’t do but you know you’ve screwed up something else that your manager doesn’t know about yet. Or if your partner’s bought you something expensive for your birthday that you specifically told them you didn’t want.

Creavoidance. Ingredients: creativity plus avoidance. When the only thing on earth that you want to do is sit down and write (or paint or make music) and yet you’ll do anything at all to put it off, down to and including cleaning out the drains. These two go together surprisingly often, and thanks to Twitter you don’t even need drains any more.

Dislight. Ingredients: disgust + delight. For example, getting a big sloppy wet kiss from your adorable child, or being licked by a cute puppy. (Or you can probably think of some examples to do with various icky bodily things but I’m ok not hearing about them.)

Hungitation. Ingredients: hunger plus irritation. When you’re in need of food but feel it’s being denied to you for some reason, e.g. other people are being too slow about choosing a restaurant, or the oven is wilfully refusing to have your meal ready. Aka Irrational Irrihunger (unless it’s Rational Irrihunger, which is entirely possible.)

Perijoy. Ingredients: peril + joy. As experienced by the Doctor, James Bond, and similar: the more difficult things get, the happier they are. Can be experienced in milder form by ordinary humans when faced with the Guardian cryptic crossword.

Reliefgrief. Ingredients: self-explanatory. For example, at the end of a relationship that had become very difficult to cope with, but you still love them. Or, more frivolously, if you’ve finally finished that DVD box set you’ve been compulsively watching all weekend and are now free to do something else with your life.

Tingleterror. Ingredients: tingliness + terror, obviously. Commonly felt at the start of a promising blind date or when just about to give a presentation that could decide your career. Or when you’re on a wedge in Trivial Pursuit and you’re fairly sure, but not completely sure, that the answer to the question is ‘Truro’.

Wheetigo. Ingredients: ‘wheeee!’ plus vertigo. Experienced when looking down from a cliff or tall building, it is the sensation of feeling simultaneously terrified of falling and somehow convinced that you can fly. Basically a literal version of tingleterror.

Any other suggestions?

*Names are important, especially when creating a new thing from existing ingredients. I bet the coalition wishes it had simply named itself Libtory rather than having the label ConDems pinned on it, for example – it might have had a slightly better chance of not coming across as evil. (Or perhaps not.)

Category: creation, great ideas of our time, how people work, random lists /

Ten Twitter Feeds of Joy

May 24, 2012 / admin / One comment

Twitter is an incredibly flexible medium: diary, conversation, promotional tool, link collection, repository of tiny fiction, joke factory, confessional. And sometimes, work of art. For example:

HYSTERICAL LAUNDRY!!

What is it?

Washing instructions delivered in the tone of a despairing apocalyptic scream.

Why is it?

BECAUSE IT IS!!!!! Also, because it just gets funnier with every tweet. At least if you’re a fan of being told how to wash laundry in excitable capslock, which it turns out I am.

Sample tweets:

‘PROFESSIONAL DRY CLEAN ONLY!!!! AMATEUR DRY CLEANING IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE HOBBY!!!!’

‘RESHAPE WHILST DAMP! NO NOT WHILST WET!!!!! WHILST DAMP!!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US ALL?!!?!’

see also: nothing else is really like hysterical laundry, but some good all-caps accounts include Feminist Hulk, Drunk Hulk and Film Critic Hulk.

Friends season 11

What is it?

Tweet-length pitches for a new season of Friends.

Why is it?

Because somewhere, I choose to believe that a small and imaginative film crew is actually producing these, possibly using Lego version of the actors. Or finger puppets. If nobody is doing this, I suggest they start now.

Sample tweets:

‘The One Where An Unlikely Number Of Limbs Burst From Rachel’s Torso Like Spring-Loaded Toy Snakes.’

‘The One Where Monica’s Birthday Is Ruined When The Clown Rachel Hired Performs A Impenetrable Beckettian Monologue About Decay And Memory.’

This is Iceland

What is it?

It is the tweet of the country Iceland. Not the government. The actual land.

Why is it?

Because Iceland wants to be your friend. And because this, in an ideal world, would be the start of a global trend which resulted in every country in the world having its own Twitter account.

Sample tweets:

‘Many humans are talking about same-sex marriage. It is not only legal on me, but my people’s prime minister is a woman, married to a woman.’

‘I am bigger and brighter and wider than snow.’

My Toaster

What is it?

It’s a toaster.

Why is it?

It toasts, therefore it is. Also it has 1,500 followers, which isn’t bad considering it mainly alternates between two tweets. Which are below.

Sample tweets:

‘Toasting’

‘Done Toasting’

see also: pothos, although that has more of an actual function.

Tweet of God

What is it?

It is the Word of God in sardonic 140-character form.

Why is it?

Because if the Tweet of God is anything to go by, God has some things to get off his or her chest. And has picked up a few modern idioms since the Bible. Also, apparently the only human he likes is Justin Bieber.

Sample tweets:

‘Next time you feel guilty about the kind of world you’re leaving behind for your children, remember how whiny they get in the car.’

‘If for budgetary reasons I had to eliminate one of the three dimensions of space, which one would you miss the least? Just, uh, asking.’

Feral Pigeon

What is it?

It’s the life of a Trafalgar Square pigeon. I don’t know which one. Maybe that grey one over there, in the corner, with the tiny laptop.

Why is it?

Presumably even pigeons need creative expression.

Sample tweets:

‘flap flap’

‘coo coo coo’

‘shifty look’

The Scream

What is it?

It’s the painting The Scream in word form.

Why is it?

Because it has a mouth and it must scream?

Sample tweets:

‘AAaaaaaahhhhh!!! #moveslikejagger’

‘Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!! #ImNotCrying #IToldYouImNotCrying’

Hirst Skull

What is it?

It’s Damien Hirst’s skull. Not his actual skull, though that would be interesting too. The shiny art one.

Why is it?

Possibly to keep Hirst Shark company.

Sample tweets:

‘I’m eyeless’

‘I’m noseless’

‘I shine’

Hipster Dalek

What is it?

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Twitter is overrun by Daleks. Republican, Communist, unemployed. poetic, flamboyant, happy, lethargic – every flavour is represented. (Including, for all I know, actual flvours. Raspberry ripple Dalek, anyone?) The one thing they have in common is that they all want to exterminate you. Yes, you specifically. Hipster Dalek is a bit more laid back about it than most, though.

Why is it?

Because Daleks are people too. Well, no, they’re not, but they still get to listen to indie bands.

Sample tweets:

‘THE SPELLING OF “DALEK” IS TOO MAINSTREAM. FROM NOW IT SHALL BE SPELLED “D’AL#Q”. OBEY!’

‘I ADMIRE THE FIFTH DOCTOR’S IRONIC USE OF A VEGETABLE AS A FASHION ACCESSORY, BUT I WISH HE HAD OBTAINED IT FROM A LOCAL ORGANIC CO-OP!’

Not Tilda swinton

What is it?

It is a thing of beauty, a joy forever, and (I assume) nothing to do with the actual Tilda Swinton. It’s also the newest big thing on Twitter: when I started following her a couple of days ago she had about 400 followers, now it’s over 15,000.

Why is it?

I think she may mean to kill us all. But we won’t mind because she will do it so beautifully.

Sample tweets:

‘I spent a year riding a grizzly bear piggy-back, my legs tied into his fur. He was my brawn, and I was his brain. We were called Prita.’

‘Ask your neighbor over today. Cover your basement floor with salt and pebbles; braid each other’s hair while weeping. This is connection.’

‘I once dove to the deepest part of the sea, only to tell the ugliest fish they were beautiful to me. They told me they needed no pity.’

Category: art (or is it?), beautiful things, great ideas of our time /

My Experimental Valentine

February 13, 2012 / admin / No comments

I love Christmas, I love Easter, I love birthdays, but frankly I can take or leave Valentine’s Day. Possibly this is because my cultural heritage has taught me that the only acceptable means of expressing passionate affection are a) mockery, b) sarcasm, or c) a brief, neutral pat on the shoulder.

However, should you wish – inexplicably – to explore beyond the list above, I would like to present three ideas for communicating your feelings in a suitably offbeat and alt-romantic style. (Please note that I take no responsibility whatsoever for any break-ups that may occur as a result of putting these suggestions into practice.)

1. Phobia Surprise!
Making dinner is a nice thing to do for a loved one. And a common self-help tip is to do something every day that scares you. Handily combine these two by making your beloved a dinner out of something that terrifies them.

You will need:
- a pastry case with lid
- a loved one who enjoys a challenge
- spiders, snakes, small rodents, an enclosed space, a roomful of intimidating people, or other phobia of choice.

Simply place the chosen item or concept in the pastry case, cover, and serve with a spring of parsley on top.

Chance that you will end the night alone: 95%

2. A Life in the Day
Dreaming of a future with your date? Help them to visualise what that might be like by providing them with a life experience compressed into a couple of hours.

You will need:
- An extensive list of your likes, dislikes, tastes, opinions, favourite foods, allergies, pets of choice, and a short essay on how you feel about putting knives in the fork drawer.
- A doll’s house painstakingly decorated to resemble the home that you plan to share with the object of your affections (if you do). Make sure the decor is appropriate to your tastes,energy levels and ability to do DIY: if your lives are to be spent in a house with bright orange carpets, bits of strange-smelling crisps hidden behind the sofa, and a large hole in the roof that both of you keep intending to fix and never do, it’s best to get it all out in the open now. Much like your future roof.
- Lego models of holiday destinations you would be prepared to go to, ranked in order of how likely you are to complain about the local food.
- Life-size cardboard cut-outs of your future children, lined up along the wall wearing expressions of either hostility or scorn. (If children are not part of the plan, a similar effect can be achieved with supercilious-looking cats or disappointed-looking dogs.)
- A brief re-enactment by you of the arguments you expect to have at various important points during your life together. Don’t forget to do the hand gestures, and to indicate the range and degree of imagination you will be using in your insults. Make it clear that you don’t currently think your date is a mean-sprited grinch with the soul of a shrunken bath towel: that’s just what you expect to be believing during your 2021 row about who broke the virtual TV.

Chance that your date will be so freaked out they fake a sudden toe cramp and leave: 86%

3. Literal Love Lyrics
Songs are romantic, aren’t they? So what better way to prepare a Valentine surpise than to choose a favourite song and find a way to turn it into a live-action adventure for your beloved. For example:

- Pet Shop Boys: Surburbia
You will need: some dogs, a ride, a local suburb, a gang of disaffected youths.

- Pulp: Common People
You will need: a flat above a shop, a haircut, a job, a handful of roaches arranged artistically on a wall, a posh Greek student.

- David Bowie: Five Years
You will need: a group of terrified and angry people doing terrible things, a date who is excited by the thought of an imminent apocalypse.

Collect your props and your date and embark upon your adventure, climaxing in an acappella rendition of your chosen song to emphasise the romance of the occasion.

Chance of your date going along with it: 10%. Max.

Happy Valentine’s Day! And no, don’t thank me – you’re welcome.

Category: advice, great ideas of our time, random lists /

But is it art?

January 30, 2012 / admin / No comments

Because I have children, I tend to find objects in random places and positions around the house. If I like the resulting tableau, I take a photo of them on my phone.

After a while I started putting them in their own folder, labelled ‘accidental art’, and playing around with them on Picasa.

My house is full of stuff like this.

At this point I started wondering about the definition of ‘art’ in this particular case. My personal definition of art is “life, deliberately rearranged”. But how did that fit with the process where my daughters played with toys and left them around, and I took pictures of them? They had created the arrangements, but (mostly) not intentionally. Was that art? Or had I created art by taking the photographs, or by editing the photos?

Or was none of this art? I am not a photographer or an artist, after all. If my dad – who is both – had taken the pictures instead, would that have made them art?

I realise it doesn’t especially matter. But I like the idea of life being turned into art in stages, even though each stage isn’t in itself art.

Anyway, the one thing I did know was that I wanted to put the pictures up here and call it the Almost Art Project. So here they are, with commentary (and mouseover text).

Category: art (or is it?), creation, great ideas of our time /

Five Tips for Winter (That May Only Be Useful If You’re Me)

October 21, 2011 / admin / No comments

1. If you can’t find a matching pair, it’s perfectly ok to wear one black leather glove and one fuzzy rainbow glove. It’s also fine to rearrange your outfit to match the look: perhaps a black leather bodysuit with a furry multicoloured trim? One black leather shoe and one fuzzy bright pink slipper should complete the look, making you feel both toasty warm and enjoyably eccentric.

2. If it snows, move a wardrobe to be against your front door. Cut a doorway-sized hole in the back and pretend the outside world is Narnia. You can then choose to go exploring for Aslan – a toy lion or local good-natured cat will be all the props you need – or if you prefer, snuggle up on the sofa and claim you can’t leave the house in case the White Witch gets you.

3.. Pack your razors away for the next six months! Beards and body hair are nature’s way of providing insulation. If you feel unkempt, try plaiting the hair into tiny elaborate shapes, to make it clear that this is a conscious fashion choice on your part. This will also provide employment during the months of darkness, and teach you valuable craft skills sure to be useful in later life.

(Speaking of beards, by the way, my friend Mat is growing one for charity. Think how much more luxuriant it could get if watered by your money.)

4. Furry hats that make you look as though a wild animal is devouring you are a valid fashion choice for adults as well as children. If a passer-by misunderstands the situation and attempts to rip your hat off in order to rescue you, simply view it as a fun conversation-starter.

5. If you wish to avoid turning the heating up from motives of economy or environmentalism, a handy alternative is to vividly remember something embarrassing that once happened to you. The resulting hot flush of shame will provide valuable warmth and a pleasing rosy glow. And if you share the experience with your loved ones, their affectionate laughter will provide material for the next time you need that warming memory. Free self-replicating heating!

(Bonus genuine tip: my sister’s gorgeous quilts, blankets, balls and bags are the ideal Christmas present for any babies in your life.)

Category: advice, beautiful things, great ideas of our time /

Rapture 2: This Time It’s Fluffy

October 18, 2011 / admin / No comments

First published at the Huffington Post

Back in the spring, you may remember, a man called Harold Camping informed the world that the Rapture was going to take place on May 21st. The Rapture according to Camping would consist of one day in which all true Christians would be raised up to Heaven, and then a six-month period during which the rest of us would suffer in the ruins of a fiery Earth. (I wrote a blog post at the time called You May Experience A Burning Sensation, in which I speculated that God’s reason for the six months of fire was that he had some really big sausages to toast. Probably lost me a few brownie points in Heaven.)

Anyway, as you may also remember, the Rapture didn’t happen. But as is the way of self-styled prophets, Camping is undaunted: his website explains that Christ did come to earth on May 21st – spiritually, of course, not visibly or publically or anything, that would be silly – and the Rapture period began then. It will climax, by which I mean actually be noticeable, on October 21st with the actual carrying-people-up-to-heaven part.

So far, so good. Well, no, not good, but it’s impossible not to admire a man with such ability to bounce back from disappointment. I mean, seriously, Camping should write a self-help book. (Carry on, Camping? Camping in Heaven? The potential titles are endless.) Or if he doesn’t have time for that before Friday, he could write an inspirational song. It could be called Don’t Stop Believing In Camping.

However! Reading through his announcement, I noticed that Camping has softened quite considerably since May. The original prediction has been startlingly revised. To quote:

“We have also learned that God is still teaching that God has no pleasure in the death of the wicked and will not punish the wicked beyond what is called for in Deuteronomy 25.”

Good news. Because I looked up Deuteronomy 25 and it doesn’t say anything about fire, or the world perishing, or any of that. It says the loser in a dispute can be beaten – ok, not ideal, but we’ll adjust – and it also has a few other laws which are frankly bizarre, but presumably aren’t going to come up that often. I’m thinking of this one:

“If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand.”

and this one:

“You shall not have in your bag differing weights, a heavy and a light.”

I don’t know about you, but I can probably manage to avoid those two sitations.

So basically, the prediction now is 1. All true believers will be taken to heaven (but you won’t know if you are one till it happenes) and 2. Everyone else gets to stay as they were, except for obeying a random handful of archaic rules. No problem.

There is one more thing, though. I would like to alert Mr Camping to a potential issue he may need to be aware of. Has he heard of Project Blue Beam?

Project Blue Beam – of which you have probably also not heard, unless you like the odder corners of the internet or have read my book, in which it features – is a fascinating (if you’re me) offshoot of Rapture theory. It holds that the New World Order is designing a false Rapture using special hologram-based technology. The purpose of which would be to make true Christians believe the Rapture has happened and they’ve been left behind, thus causing mass outbreaks of panic and atheism, which are of course what the New World Order likes best.

This would be such a great – if cruel – practical joke that I almost wish someone was designing it, but to the best of my knowledge they aren’t. However, that doesn’t stop these people believing it. Or these people. Or these people. Oh yes, there is a corner of the web that is forever Blue Beam.

I was going to write a paragraph that started “So, why are people so keen to believe these things?” but really, there’s no mystery at all about it. It is blindingly, face-meltingly obvious that we all want to feel that we’re being paid attention to and that we’re special. This can manifest itself in becoming an actor, in writing a blog, in getting drunk and smashing things up, or in devoting your life to the idea that a huge, powerful and secret organisation is so obsessed with breaking you that it will create elaborate and wildly expensive schemes in order to destroy your faith in yourself. In fact, that could loosely describe so many movie plots that it’s hardly surprising the idea is spilling over into real life.

Best of all, the fact that there is no evidence for it doesn’t matter at all because a) obviously a secret all-powerful group would be good at hiding its tracks, and b) it hasn’t happened yet. All in all, it’s the perfect conspiracy theory in many ways.

So: if Friday comes and you see the people around you slowly ascending into the air, don’t panic. It’s always possible they may be holograms.

Category: ...and I feel fine, and I think oh god I'm still alive, events, great ideas of our time, huffington, religion, things that did not actually happen /

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Mum

September 23, 2011 / admin / No comments

(First published on the Huffington Post)

Two major films were released last Friday, both adapted from bestselling novels published in previous decades.

Firstly, there’s I Don’t Know How She Did It, from the novel by Joan Le Carré. This gritty 1970s-set thriller features retired spy Georgina Smiley, pulled back into a world of secrets to find the woman who betrayed the Service – but which woman is it?

It’s not easy juggling a lifestyle that includes ultra-secret spying, being separated from one’s cheating husband and walking down grimy London streets looking pensive. Played by Helen Mirren with dignity, intelligence and a hint of cruelty, the character of Georgina has reignited the debates first sparked by the novel.

Should women be spies? Is it really a suitable profession for a sex notorious for backstabbing, gossiping and betraying each other at the first opportunity? The media has been overwhelmed with articles on spying, and particularly on how the career can be combined with a family life when it is by nature a secretive job. One feels sympathy for Georgina’s cheating husband Alex: it’s clear she was spending all her time at the office in a miasma of smoke having furtive conversations with other women whose marriages were also suffering. Her return from retirement to take on yet another murky, complicated investigation illustrates where her loyalties lie. No wonder Alex strayed.

And, as many articles have pointed out, what about all the spies and spymasters who just get on with spying and spymastering with far fewer resources than Georgina? Georgina is at the top of her profession, or at least was once, and appears to be relatively wealthy. Moreover, she has unfailing support from her friends and colleagues (admittedly, mainly secret and unofficial support), such as Peta Guillem (played by the redoubtable Benedictine Cumberbatch, famous for her portrayal of detective Shirley Holmes). Ultimately, Georgina fails to represent the real workday life of the spy, making it hard to empathise with her.

The week’s second novel adaptation is Worker, Lover, Husband, Dad from the 1990s Alastair Pearson book. This is a lighter, but still significant, drama about Kevin Reddy, a New York dad who juggles three children, a high-flying job with constant business travel, and a potential love interest. Media interest in this film has mainly focused on the high-quality acting by hit sitcom star Matthew Perry, who ably portrays the harassed father as he attempts to fulfil the four title roles and keep everyone happy.

However, the popular consensus is that the film lacks an element of tension, since everyone knows men can juggle any number of roles with ease, particularly if they have – as Reddy does – a supportive wife who helps with the children, arranges his social life and turns an understanding blind eye to his potential infidelities.

Ultimately, I Don’t Know How She Did It is a women’s film: dark and low-key, it reveals its secrets slowly and conversationally. Women will appreciate the fact that virtually everyone in the film is female, and the emphasis on solving problems through talking.

Worker, Lover, Husband, Dad is aimed more at the male market – many middle-class men will empathise with the travails of Reddy as he attempts to make a lot of money to maintain his already luxurious lifestyle while trying to make sure at least one of his children remembers what his name is.

Next week, we look at the return of Danielle Craig playing the ever-appealing Jane Bond, and we talk about the film version of James Eyre – the story of the young orphan tutor James and his imperious older mistress Miss Rochester with a dark secret in the attic.

A post about this post

Category: films, great ideas of our time, huffington, parenting, reviews /

How I predicted the iPhone (not really)

August 5, 2011 / admin / No comments

So my novel is set in a different world from this one, but only very slightly, like the width of one quantum universe away. If quantum universes work the way I think they do, which they probably don’t since my ideas on the subject come exclusively from science fiction. Anyway, one of the minor differences in my world is that there are items called iTems, which act as phones, GPS services, people finding devices etc.

If you’re thinking “Well, that’s not much of a stretch, is it? Bet it took her all of five minutes to come up with that,” then you have hit on the exact reason why I’m annoyed about this, because I came up with the idea in 2002. When it was genuinely science-fictiony, or at least more so. I didn’t called it the iTem then, just the Item, and I called it that mainly because my mother has a habit of calling all objects she’s looking for “the item” (as in “Have you seen the item?” “Yes Mum, the remote control/cup of tea/cat food bowl is on the sofa/ in your hand/ on the floor in front of you.”) In the book it functions as a minor plot device, nothing more. Nevertheless, I felt it helped to signal that my book was a little bit set-in-the-future, a little bit speculative.

And then it took nine years to get the book published, and in the intervening period Steve bloody Jobs invented the iPhone plus everything else beginning with ‘i’ (the launch of i-Cecream and the rebranding of i-Celand, i-Reland and i-Srael can only be a month away at most). So when I came to write the final draft of All Lies and Jest, I realised that I had lost the only tiny shred of science-fictionality my book possessed.

On the other hand, in order to bring my invention up to date all I had to do was move the capital latter across one. So it became the iTem and it does all the things the Item did except much less impressively because everyone already knows about the idea (or iDea) of multifunctional phones beginning with i.

Thanks, Apple. I could have been a visionary.

I was going to take a photo of my iPhone for this post. Then I realised it was the one thing I couldn't photograph.

Category: all lies and jest, creation, great ideas of our time /

Toygers, invisible art, and face emoticons

July 22, 2011 / admin / 3 comments

Links! Which are, as always, connected by nothing more than the fact that I like them.

- What should I read next? you may ask yourself, on the occasion of finishing a book. This website answers your question based on existing reader data. I tried it with a couple of favourites and it recognised them and offered reasonable-looking suggestions.

- If you see Einstein, you don’t need glasses. If you see Marilyn Monroe, you do. That’s really all you need to know.

- Cats bred to look like tiny tigers. Can we have tiny lions next? Then I want budgies that resemble cute little mini vultures. I have my reasons.