Ten Totally True Things About Bisexuality

1. If you take one straight person and one gay person, add them together and divide them in half, you will get two slightly bewildered bisexuals.

2. Bisexuals are almost, but not entirely, invisible. They are easier to see at night, since they have a faint purple glow. The female of the species is a darker shade of purple and is therefore easier to see. All bisexuals show up in photos, provided they are holding a pint of cider at the time.

3. Scratch a bisexual man and you get a gay man. However, scratch a gay man and you get a bisexual man, so it’s probably better not to scratch anyone if you can help it.

4. When bisexuals get married they must include the word “ostrich” somewhere in their vows, or they will lose their powers.

5. All bisexuals can fly, but they don’t, out of consideration for the environment.

6. The initiation ceremony for bisexuality is too complicated to explain, and is therefore known as the TOCOTOX. It can involve vegan cheese, the scent of gardenias, and a pencil.

7. If you squeeze a bisexual correctly they will emit a rainbow-flavoured fluid known colloquially as “bisexijuice”. One drop will cure the common cold. Three drops will send you back in time to a point just before you took the three drops.

8. Bisexuality can be caught like flu. Signs of infection include a sudden desire to wear purple and the inability to make decisions without consulting a minimum of eleven close friends.

9. If you play 80s pop music near a bisexual they are legally obliged to dance to it. If they don’t, you are entitled to conduct a citizen’s arrest.

10. Bisexuals dissolve in lemonade and are therefore scared of all fizzy drinks. Do not use this against them, it’s cruel.


Bonus fact: any building covered in a giant purple ribbon is secretly bisexual.


PS. By sheer coincidence, my novel is also funny and also has bisexuals in it.

PPS. Want to help set the record straight about bisexuality? You could be one of the contributors to Purple Prose, a guide to UK bisexuality. See here for more and get in touch.

17 thoughts on “Ten Totally True Things About Bisexuality

    1. admin Post author

      Actually there are up to five initiation ceremonies depending how far you get into the Inner Circle. But I’m forbidden to speak of the last two. Except to say that it helps if you already worship otters.

  1. Michael

    Ahhahaha, I usually tell people I avoid fizzy drinks to watch my weight! Also my TOCOTOX involved a one eyed cat named Odin!

  2. Brandie

    That was great! And I am in the innermost circle, so don’t forget the flame thrower and the juggling mime. Oh and the unicycle. Be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart!
    I really enjoyed this. Thank you. Bi female for a long time. Lol


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