1. If you take one straight person and one gay person, add them together and divide them in half, you will get two slightly bewildered bisexuals.
2. Bisexuals are almost, but not entirely, invisible. They are easier to see at night, since they have a faint purple glow. The female of the species is a darker shade of purple and is therefore easier to see. All bisexuals show up in photos, provided they are holding a pint of cider at the time.
3. Scratch a bisexual man and you get a gay man. However, scratch a gay man and you get a bisexual man, so it’s probably better not to scratch anyone if you can help it.
4. When bisexuals get married they must include the word “ostrich” somewhere in their vows, or they will lose their powers.
5. All bisexuals can fly, but they don’t, out of consideration for the environment.
6. The initiation ceremony for bisexuality is too complicated to explain, and is therefore known as the TOCOTOX. It can involve vegan cheese, the scent of gardenias, and a pencil.
7. If you squeeze a bisexual correctly they will emit a rainbow-flavoured fluid known colloquially as “bisexijuice”. One drop will cure the common cold. Three drops will send you back in time to a point just before you took the three drops.
8. Bisexuality can be caught like flu. Signs of infection include a sudden desire to wear purple and the inability to make decisions without consulting a minimum of eleven close friends.
9. If you play 80s pop music near a bisexual they are legally obliged to dance to it. If they don’t, you are entitled to conduct a citizen’s arrest.
10. Bisexuals dissolve in lemonade and are therefore scared of all fizzy drinks. Do not use this against them, it’s cruel.
PS. By sheer coincidence, my novel is also funny and also has bisexuals in it.
PPS. Want to help set the record straight about bisexuality? You could be one of the contributors to Purple Prose, a guide to UK bisexuality. See here for more and get in touch.