Fausterella

Chapter 1 scenario A

A – You are pregnant.

YOU WIN IF

1. You are over 20 but under 35;
2. you are married (or at least have a long-term partner);
3. your spouse/partner is male;
4. you have plenty of money and own a nice house in a low-crime area;
5. you planned to conceive;
6. you have been taking folic acid assiduously,
7. you eat only organic uncooked fruit and vegetables grown in your own back garden without pesticides;
8. you have already given up drinking alcohol and taking painkillers;
9. you have already read all the baby books in existence;
10. your BMI is precisely within the official acceptable range;
11. you already have a list in the kitchen of all the food you’re not allowed to eat
12. you have a supportive network of friends and relatives all standing ready to look after you
13. you have no physical or mental disorders or issues of any kind.

YOU LOSE IF

If any of the above is not true, you lose and your impending baby will become a psychopathic loser whose incessant heroin use is interrupted only by his or her attempts to defraud the state, commit sordid crimes, and generally be a blight on the face of humanity. Prepare yourself now.